New Sphere

Against All Odds

kyleleland — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 00:20:12 +0000

Today, I helped a friend through a hard emotional mentality. A fog kept her from seeing her beauty and the beauty in what she had in her very hands. In doing so, I know a transferal of energy was exchanged. At a point in the conversation my energy culminated in her and a remnant of her previous mentality rested in me. I believe that’s normal in healing or in any conversation where active, intentional engagement is made. That’s not the scary part. The unnerving issue is how quickly I confused and accepted that fragment of her consciousness as my own. Soon after we’d wrapped up, negativity creeped its way into my life. I slowly assumed everything was a judgment against me, mocking me in some way. I silently debated whether or not to do positive things and judged whether the recipients deserved the blessing if I chose to do it. I used passive aggression to make my negativity known. I pushed God away in a part of my mind and looked at the world through that void…and all i saw was disdain, self-loathing, confusion, and contempt. I could enjoy nothing. I could not see past the fog.

The frustration I felt was immense. The soul was yelling through the thick of the ego trying not to slip in beyond the point of no return. It was when the ego switched from attacking petty, mundane details of my life and blundered into the realm of the people I truly love did I finally wake up. It was like coming out of a terrible dream. Groggy and unsure, I saw the negativity for what it was and divided it from my feelings. I affirmed my belief in God’s intentions for me, for my loved ones, and I began to cry. I cried at how long I stayed in such vicious thoughts and how quickly they multiplied when left unnoticed. I cried at how easily I’d slipped into that dark spot and because the brunt of those thoughts was so strong and scary. I was drowning in the deep quiet of brooding. I felt God trying to save me, but my ability to choose what to believe kept me from seeing that. Choosing not to trust in humanity’s inherited protection, I lost sight of the abundant love around me and kept slipping through His fingers. It wasn’t until I chose to love against all odds that He was able to grab hold of me and lift me from drowning. I was brought back into clarity. The battle did not last long, but it wasn’t short enough.

We have to learn to understand which energy is our own and which is not. A well intentioned conversation turned into a day-long battle between love and hate. Each of us needs to become aware of the voice in ourselves which calls for a higher purpose beyond the petty affairs of negativity. That voice resides in each of us and it comes from one mouth. It is different from the voice of the ego which seeks to preserve the self but is only able to do so by destroying the bonds we use to connect with everything else. Our other voice guides us out of the dark every time we fall into it and promises abundant love to anyone who does what it asks.

Love. Love no matter what and you will be taken care of.

This is what I believe. I cannot speak for anyone else or deny any person their unique truth, but I cannot silently acknowledge this beautiful gift anymore either. When I listen to God’s voice, matter moves. Life is reshaped. I am told to do nothing but love and when I listen incredible things are manifested. I am learning that we are stronger in love than we can ever be through anything else. Today, I saw that we really do create our own lives. Our feelings send out a calling and the universe echos the frequency back to us. I scream negative thoughts, I feel negative things, I receive negative experiences. I speak love in my life, I feel the love that surrounds me, I am responded with more love. I choose love. I fell down today, hard. But I chose God, I chose love, and I chose myself. I want to be happy, always. We need to start listening to what we are thinking. Are you happy or preserving an idea that you think will make you happy but has yet to do so? Do you want true love in your life? Do you want to be able to truly love within your life? Then choose it. Choose love and grow in all the ways it finds you. And do it against all odds.

“Love is a fruit in season at all times, and within reach of every hand.” -Mother Teresa

Love is a fruit in season at all times, and within reach of every hand.
Mother Teresa

Futility in September

kyleleland — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 01:55:20 +0000

A journal entry I wrote writing on the train from France to London:

“I think I just hit that huge wall called Futility everyone feels from time to time in our lives. Reading Lorraine Hansberry’s autobiography and peaking at the upside-down headline on the newspaper of the man seated in front of me, the notion hit- what change does my caring bring? Hansberry’s America and my own are not at all dissimilar. The world she left behind is almost as bleak as my own, and she at least was a famous and acclaimed writer. What contribution can I leave on this Earth to shape it for its betterment? I give my question to God. He tells me, ‘Record all the beauty you see in every from I give you. Seek it against all odds. Write it. Sing it. Dance it. Reflect it. Share it with everyone. Make it real and become a part of it yourself.’ A daunting task. But an exciting one- and my evident calling. I am but a sheep in the flock. I’m following You, Shepard. I love You, Dad.”

A month later and I’m doing what He asked. Powerful. I wasn’t even aware I was pursuing my destiny. Thank you for the insight. Amen

Sunday, Part 2

kyleleland — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 03:43:44 +0000

On Sunday, Jarvis and I came together to praise God as a unit and to thank Him for his presence in our lives. We commenced our church-at-home service as we usually do- through a gospel music channel on imeem.com, only this morning Jarvis wanted to start off with a special song he felt needed to be administered. Distracting myself, I started the dishes so we could start cooking breakfast and I went into my usual face-value interpretation of music…until I realized the familiarity of the tune. Something about it haunted me. I’d heard this song before. Shamicka. Late March. She sang this song to me in a voicemail before I left to go to Europe. “I Need You to Survive”. I asked Jarvis to start the song over so I could really listen to it.

“I need you. You need me. We’re all a part of God’s body. Stand with me. Agree with me. We’re all a part of God’s body. It is His will that every need be supplied. You are important to me. I need you to survive.”

As my hands move over the dishes I marvel at how life can move us so far apart. The woman I know as one of my soul mates sang this to me and I’m surprised by how small a role she is currently playing in my life. I’m shocked by how little I think of her. I was told that I was important to her. She expressed her need for me to survive as a cell in God’s body. The race in my mind began…

What am I doing to show her how grateful I am for the gift of her life within mine? How can I allow my out-of-sight, out-of-mind mentality to touch her. This mentality affects the relationships I have with many people. One of whom being my mother, a woman whose constant flow of love I’m only now beginning to appreciate. How could I make myself blind to their lives? Their love? Why haven’t I seen the message of this song before? I NEED them to survive. They play a role in the grandness of His body. I think I know so much. I think my perception of life works, but how can that be so? If I can lose sight of these women, than how? Left on my own, I will always fall short of the mark. My own guidance does not work.

At this point, I cant understand why I’m bothering to clean dishes when the core of my life is being shaken so hard. I put the glass down, turn off the water, and decided that if this house is now a church it’s time to get down and pray. Hard. On my knees, wet hands clasped above my head, I began to speak to my Maker…

God, I realize I am wrong. I need to be better because I can see my potential in front of me. I’m capable, but only through You. I thought I knew, but Your perfection proves I know nothing. I need to be better. If not for myself, than for someone else. For Shamicka. For my mother. For everyone. If they are a part of Your body, then so am I. If I presently make myself better it will benefit ALL of humanity. The words were sang to me. Someone needs me to survive. Make me worthy of the call. Make me worthy.

I prayed until the song was completely finished. I rocked back and forth and let my tears heal my soul. I called to God and He was present in my home. My body was so deeply contracted throughout that when I released and took my first breaths during the silence I knew I was taking in His forgiveness. I had just experienced an open dialogue with the Source and every cell in my body was bright with life. The fact that it happened has changed me. The fact that I could openly experience this with Jarvis beside me brought it to another level. God carried me into another sphere on Sunday. It is from within this new sphere I am experiencing life. I am the same man shifted. I feel closer to God than I ever have. I will try, to the best of my abilities, to reflect on life from this space. I am so grateful. Sunday was the first day I made myself worthy of Him by realizing what I am and asking to be made worthy. I see my self-in-God on a pedestal and will work to make my life a reflection of that potential. Thank You for this insight. Amen.

Someone Loves Me

kyleleland — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 01:52:55 +0000

Before I fall asleep…

What is it about a love declaration that transforms us? In a moment we are shifted. What change happens in the space between “I love you” and the silence that follows? I don’t know. But someone loves me. I suddenly feel opportunity. I feel the potential of everything. It’s as if the world has paused and waits trembling to see if I’ll accept this gift.

God, give me Your heart and guide my life. I don’t know how to return the gift. Work through me. In the meantime I clean myself so, when You speak on my behalf, my words won’t get in the way. Thank You for this insight. I love You Father. Amen.

Sunday, Part One

kyleleland — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 18:56:18 +0000

Sunday Oct 11, 2009. Another shift in my consciousness. Another spiritual milepost. Another profound newness. Before I begin to describe the magic of this day, I need to take a few steps back and acknowledge the recent journey that led up to it.

I have returned to New York. I arrived back in the states on Sept 20, and began to live the life I started to build for myself in the summer. The tour was a chance for me to hold the microscope of scrutiny against myself and on the human condition. Never before had I been so relentlessly provoked by my experiences to find myself. Daily I was forced to cross-examine my self-made truths and test their weight against the gale force of everyone else’s. In the spring I was knocked down. Newly formed, my convictions were little more than whispered mental reminders I tried to hear over the din of negativity. In the summer I got up onto my feet again. During our 5 week break I found comfort in parallel thinkers and saw the illusion of my conformity for what is was. In the fall I dug my heels in the sand. I did not preach my truth, but instead I lived within it. My words, my thoughts, my actions, my in-actions, were all steeped in God’s lesson for me- that inserting Love into anything breathes into it new life. Sometimes I failed or I wasn’t willing enough to fight the fight. But sometimes I prevailed and just one person would have a better day or gain new insight. My victories affirmed me. I returned to New York on a mission- to walk in the elation of my victories and gain momentum.

And that is exactly what I am doing. I’ve never been more proud of myself. I’m living in the apartment of my dreams. My roommate is the love of my life and a gift from God. The comfort of my own space has always been denied from me until now, and without the weight of survival plaguing me I have found new space within myself to grow. My happiness attracts more elation and perpetuates my joy. My creativity is aware of itself. I am blossoming into myself. I am walking closer to God and cleaning myself so that I may become a proper vessel for His love. And on this Sunday morning, I touched nirvana once again.

There is Only One First Day in Paris

kyleleland — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 10:06:39 +0000

There are no words for these experiences, but I’ll try:

Crying on the plane between naps
Telling my mind, “No, this is not a part of New York you have never seen.”
Making peace that although the hotel room is small, it’s in Paris
Showering quickly to meet Reed’s pen pal, Frederick
The Metro: systematic chaos, hectic, perfect
Bastille
Sausage and Fries at Falstaff
Walking through Paris with the peace that I had a friend as a guide
Cathedrals, Plazas, Stores, Avenues, Trees…overwhelmed
Baguettes Everywhere
The River
Picture after picture after picture after picture
Telling my mind to realize It’s in Paris
Notre Dame
I’ll say it again: N.o.t.r.e. D.a.m.e.
Walking, walking, walking, walking
Musée national d’Histoire naturelle
The Botanical Gardens
Leaving Frederick and his boyfriend
Taking the Metro back to the hotel
Immediately being asked by Victor and Myke to go out with a friend
Reluctance melting
Shower, outfit, euros, Metro
Meeting the girls underground
Drinking beer on the train and discovering I wasn’t committing a crime
Going above ground and seeing the Arc de Triomphe
My soul vibrating as I saw the tip of the Eiffel Tower in the distance
Strolling down Champs Elysées
Realizing that every tree is perfectly manicured
Watching the Eiffel Tower glow as the sun set
Deciding to walk by the river and take the bridge to the Tower
Watching It grow impossibly huge
Reeling at how this architectural masterpiece began as a thought in a man’s head
Standing directly underneath and shouting my name through the middle
Walking to the lawn behind and sharing a picnic together.
Wine, baguette, cheese, meat, strawberries…perfection
How can this night ever end?
Realizing we had rehearsal the next day and heading home
Room 207

A person can only say they had their first day in Paris once…Mine was perfection.

Good Morning

kyleleland — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 13:54:31 +0000

9:22 A.M. A determined force launches my eyelids apart. My pupils retract in regret. Bright, bright, bright. So bright. As far as last night is concerned , there’s no reason I should be able to have cognitive thought enough to pull myself out of the molasses. My dreams were soaked in alcohol. Wow, my mouth is really dry. Another sensory organ sensed movement upstairs. Great, now Krisha’s up. My mind is so much like a puppy: innocent and endearing when left to its own devices, but any sign of human stirring sends too many synapses to its family of nerves and its curiosity gets riled up…no force but sheer exhaustion can settle it down after that. Ok, well, I’m up. What’s up God? Is there a reason why I shouldn’t just force a mental shutdown and go back to sleep? The answer resounded immediately. I felt something like Christmas Eve anticipation ripple new life into me. TODAY YOU FLY TO EUROPE!! PREPARE YOURSELF!! Today, my life changes. The morning tingles with new life. Bright, bright, bright. So bright.

The Rehearsal Process

kyleleland — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 20:30:00 +0000

We’ve arrived at the most frustrating point of any rehearsal process…cleaning. The room becomes a spiritual battlefield and the Ego’s playground. Differences of opinion run rampant and everyone’s defenses are raised so high we can’t even see each other. Compromises are considered defeats and people begin to unnecessarily injected the way they’ve been approaching the choreography, indicating to everyone else that we are wrong. The language barrier between the choreographer and ourselves makes matters worse. A dancer will move forward with a question and try to get a collective answer before the choreographer has a chance to understand which part is being discussed. Sometimes, the choreographer’s opinion is completely abandoned as our Egos compete for Their moment to prove Themselves. Inevitably though, he catches our intentions, sets us straight and thus we’ve wasted 20 minutes arguing a moot point. The worst part is stepping back and watching it all unfold. Someone elects themselves as dictator by speaking louder than everyone else…another person pretends to ignore the conversation and do the movement in the mirror in the hopes that someone will vindicate their opinion…some dancers band together to defy the first outspoken individual who glares back at them with an “well, im just saying” expression…one person stands alone as if waiting for the chaos to end so they can speak their truth…the choreographer looks on with confused bewilderment until someone is gracious enough to fill him in on which part we’re arguing…he then gets upset that he wasn’t included in the discussion, and thus masks his own confusion with a hasty totalitarian command which usually negates what he intends to say…and finally, when our Egos have exhausted themselves we accept a compromise and move on. Except of course when some sees the compromise as a personal loss and attempts to interject their thoughts again the next day in the guise of a “Well just to be sure, are we doing this or this?” inquiry. And I wonder why I’m so tired everyday. I’ll end this rant with a prayer:

God…I see the way this rehearsal process is being governed and understand that it is unhealthy. I ask for the guidance to remove my Ego from the situation and see the point my fellow dancers are trying to make even if it is incorrect. I ask that they would do the same for me when I am incorrect. I thank you for the clarity You will provide in the days ahead. I ask that you create a leader in our choreographer so that he may express himself and his intentions clearly. I ask that you remove the infection of our Egos so that we may see ourselves “not as a bouquet, but as a single flower”. I thank you for the lesson of this day. Amen.

August Wilson

kyleleland — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 13:24:49 +0000

Last night I had the privilege of watching an August Wilson play, ” Joe Turner’s Come and Gone”. Genius. Genius. Genius. I cried twice during the show, and wasn’t able to stop until I fell asleep. I have to run to work, so Ill elaborate on the experience later, but I need to record for myself the hunger I now have to research more of Wilson’s work. I was moved and would like to continue to be so.

A New Sphere

kyleleland — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 00:18:02 +0000

My intention for this first entry was to express my newly grounded spirituality. The past few months have been a whirlwind of self-realization, tolerance for other viewpoints, philosophical adoption, and an understanding of the nature of God and the Universe. My most enlightened moments have been birthed in this timeframe. Every aspect of my life has changed and so this journal will reflect who I am after these pivotal experiences. When I created this account, I was brimming with the indescribable joy of having touched the Source. I had a surprising and overwhelming experience which I’ll recount later. However, life after that moment has been a search to obtain it again. And now I’m in a new frame of mind, or rather I have arrived in a new sphere of existence. I’ll explain…

The first catalyst for this spiritual journey was a book. As my hunger grew, so did my library of metaphysical novels. Book after book after book I learned about God, the Ego, the laws of attraction and reaction, humanity’s ignorance and my duty to become aware. My soul became my everyday project and the realizations I made literally made me buzz. The frequency of my spirit was becoming heightened by its awareness of itself. I had something new to live for, and exercises to implement which led to immediate results. The next step became sharing. I was (and continue to be) blessed with extremely open friendships. It seemed everyone in my circle of influence was hungry for this new knowledge the way that I was. Some of us felt disconnected with our cultures and together we realized that all humanity is a cultivation of God’s love, and thus none of us are ever disconnected. Some of us discovered that our social roles were ordained by the laws of this Universe and felt newfound assurance of our given lifestyle and lost our self-loathing. All of us come from different religious backgrounds and I learned that God’s infinite Love cannot be confined to one finite mode of faith. Soon enough though I was tested. My calling to share was rejected by a few people. I was caught completely off-guard. I had been viewing the world with rose-colored glasses and their resistance to me shoved out the lenses. My defenses raised and my spirit shut down. I told myself: This new way I live my life provides so much Joy. That’s irrefutable. Why then can they not see that my happiness could be theirs? And there in that question lies another truth I was forced to learn; My journey is for ME. Was my journey meant to be shared? Yes. Does my journey justify a means to administer philosophies other’s might not accept? No. I liken it to losing yet another form of innocence. How naive I was to assume that everyone would praise me for my findings and adopt a new love for Life. I delved back into the world of my books. There was a comfort knowing that in the pages I read the existence I yearned for was real and alive. No one could judge me there. Then, I was lead to another volume of metaphysical information, one that caused the most important discovery I’ve ever made: My Soul has a Mate…and I knew who it belonged to.

Joy. Ecstasy. Rapture. Such an all-pervasive bliss that there were veins of sorrow within it. No words man has made can help me describe the emotions that coursed through me the moment I made that realization. It didn’t last long, but in the scheme of my Life that brief encounter with the Source will mark the day I stepped into a new sphere of existence. And now here I am. As I mentioned earlier, when I first started this journal I knew that I had experienced something that could not be expressed and would not let me return to my previous Life. But the glory of that moment has faded. I am a spiritual being having a human experience and now that my soul has touched God, Grace has asked it to return to its body and see an altered world. Nothing external has changed. I have been changed, and thus for me everything has been transformed. My perception of Life cannot help viewing everything and everyone in a new light. I see all people with new confidence, new fears, new admiration, new doubts, new affirmations. Shakespeare sums it up well: “Oh brave new world that has such people in it.” And all this because I recognize that newness within myself. This journal will be a reflection of what happens next. I’m starting back at square one in A New Sphere…